debut novel, A Beginner's Guide to Dying in India, was released in America last
week. Although it won't see release here in Australia until next month, I was
obviously fairly excited to be a thrilling 683,960th on amazon.com's sales
ranking. This means that there are exactly 683 959 books that are better
promoted, better written or just better in general than mine. Titles currently outselling my book include: the brilliantly titled The Clique #8: Sealed with a Diss: A Clique Novel (Clique Series),
and Sarah: How a Hockey mum turned the Political Establishment upside down. Interesting side note, the original title for this book was Sarah Palin: the hockey mum who can 'practically see Russia from her house.'
Since my book has been released it's received the glowing personal recommendations of old housemates the grates and randomly shown up at the top of a list of travel books in Japan.
describes it as 'Part comedy, part tragedy, part henna-drawn thriller
peppered with romance and intrigue…a spiritual journey across the continents
of the soul.' but there aren't any
vampires, wizards, references to twitter or religious cults being investigated
by dashing yet surprisingly inept cryptologists so I'm obviously out of touch with what the
(mainstream) public wants.
in point: my original blurb for the book. My publisher rejected this on the
grounds that 'It's not nice to insult your audience on the back cover.' Why
not? Plenty of my readers will insult me I'm sure! I felt it deserved seeing
the light of day, if only on the internet, enjoy:
So, you’ve picked up this book from the shelf of a
bookstore or library or friend’s place and you are thinking to yourself: ‘perhaps
this particular novel shall distract me from the dull drudgery of my life?
Perhaps it contains the elements which I find desirous within a piece of
As it so happens, this novel contains five of the
following ten subjects, you are free to select which of these you hope it
contains and then peruse its contents to see if you are correct. For those of
you who elect to continue, welcome aboard. It’s going to be a hell of a ride.
To those who are about to return this book to the shelf or hurl it away in
disgust, perhaps you’d be better off with a Jackie Collins novel? You obviously
have terrible taste.
A Beginner’s Guide to Dying in India may contain
1 Black humour
2 Philosophical discourse
3 Excessive references to Ricky Ponting
5 The threat of international terrorism!
7 Car chases
10 Love conquering against all odds (followed by
making out in the parking lot)
In addition to being a source of literary
entertainment, A Beginner’s Guide to Dying in India may also be employed as a
highly effective paperweight, moderately effective source of kindling or rather
ineffective weapon in hand to hand combat.
you want to buy the book to use for any of the above purposes you can get it
from here: amazon.com and preview it online here: google books
you prefer the anachronistically tangible experience of using your legs to
enter a store and talking to a human to make your purchases then you can order
it at any bookstore in Americaville or Canadatown. If
you like the book and want to write a glowing review I would be eternally
grateful. If you hate it please send all scathing literary criticism to my
personal email address: email@example.com
5 responses to “VAMPIRES, ROCKSTARS, TWITTER AND MY BOOK (WHICH MENTIONS NONE OF THESE).”
Can I just borrow a copy? I’m kind of broke at the moment because I spent all my money on booze last weekend.
What’s your address? I’ll mail you the first chapter and a piece of mouldy cheese.
Just give them to your mum and she can pass em along. Ohhhhh no.
Actually, I was conceived in a petri dish, incubated in a lab humidifier and raised by robot wolves. Does that mean…ewww..with a ROBOT WOLF? you are messed up girl.
dude, you just described my dream date.