Navigating Centrelink: A Modern Tragedy in Endless Parts
I make the call with the rejection letter in my hand. The phone rings for a moment, then the line goes dead. I really never thought I’d long for the days when being on hold to Centrelink for hours was the best possible option. Now the phones don’t work at all. I drive to […]
A special message for Trump’s inauguration
Let’s talk freely about free speech (for free).
Hello, I’m very angry! Are you angry? Fair enough, there’s plenty to be angry about. Sometimes when people are angry they say things which they shouldn’t. Not shouldn’t as in ‘you are not permitted to do that particular thing’ but shouldn’t as in ‘it would really be in everyone’s best interest if you didn’t do […]
How to become a New York Limes Bestsmelling Author.
Over the last few years I’ve had many aspiring writers come to me for advice as they seek to make their way through the confusing labyrinth that is the publishing industry. Sometimes it’s simple queries like ‘should I get an agent?’, sometimes more bizarre requests like ‘for the love of God could you please stop […]
Love letters to corporations: Vodafone
My dearest Vodafone, You have wounded me, right in the very centre of my coal-black heart. We’ve been together for six years now, ever since way back when Rudd was PM (the first time round). Back in those youthful halcyon days I always swore I’d never go on a contract. All my friends were settling […]
Boycott everything for no reason!
Working in the arts, you have to expect the odd negative review and the conventional wisdom is to just ignore them. However, I honestly never expected that anyone would ever care enough about my work to call for a boycott, and I DEFINITELY did not think that anyone would ever be demented enough to call […]
HBO: why don’t you want my money?
Dearest HBO, Why don’t you want my money? Is it a moral thing, are you worried that my income is derived from heinously unethical sources like contract killing, drug dealing or writing for Newscorp? Because I can assure you, all of my income is legitimately earned (well, assuming you can call art ‘legitimate’…) Would you like […]
TODAY’S HOROSCOPE: TAURUS
Your flesh will be devoured by a rare, unpronounceable and utterly incurable disease. You will die poor, alone and in agony. Your funeral will be unattended, dogs will defecate on your grave and you will never again utter the words: ‘horoscope writing? Is that even a real job?’
Sydney Airport: Please Tell Your Robots To Stop Sexually Harassing Me In The Bathroom
Dearest Sydney Airport, I like to think we know each other pretty well. You’ve made me remove various items of clothing and screened me for explosives many times. I’ve slept in your chairs, consumed your Krispy Kreme products with jet-lagged jaws and recently you’ve even been kind enough to stock my latest novel in your […]