JM Donellan

Category: correspondences

  • Alliance of Best Smelling Authors

        Due to mildly popular demand, I have now formed the official Alliance of Best Smelling Authors. You can visit our facebook page HERE. If you wish to be certified as a Best Smelling Author please post on the page with a description of why using words, interpretative dance, a 23 minute guitar solo…

  • New York Limes best smelling author

    Dearest Interwebs, as you are probably aware, I am an author. An author is a bit like a politician in that we are paid money to make up lies, but an author does this extremely well for almost no money whereas a politician does this very badly for lots of money and sometimes a moat.…

  • FOR SALE: 1 x reincarnation of historical figure Franz Ferdinand.

    Hello the Internet. How are you today? I hope Charlie Sheen hasn't been keeping you too busy. I just thought I'd use my blog to yell into the digital universe and let you know that I'd entered this competition where you have to make a story about three objects for sale. The items this week…

  • Letter to the Editors (the UK band)

      Dear the Editors,   How are you? I am very well, thanks for asking and for also realising I was not just a spambot. Sometimes people think that and it's quite awkward, especially when it's at a cocktail party rather than an internet forum. Anyway, let's cut straight to the not boring bit shall…

  • Dear vending machine in the emergency ward at the Royal Brisbane hospital: I hate you.

    Not only do you have the motherfucking nerve to charge $2.70 for a nestle crunch bar, but open insertion of my hard earned currency, you fail to deliver said exorbitantly priced confectionary. Not only this, but considering how long it took to get the clerical staff to admit my chronically ill progenitor I was correct…

  • The Price is Free

    Dear the Government, How are you?  I know that you are rather busy unreasonably oppressing refugess in direct violation of the UN charter that you signed, but I wondered if you might address something for me.   The thing is; I love libraries. At a library I can instantly attain one of the things that…

  • Interim parliament vows to keep Australia ‘one nation under a groove’

    In news that is bound to shock Australia and the world, long buried legislation has been uncovered that states that in the event of a hung parliament an interim foreign political body of an allied democratic nation must be installed. The US government was last night asked to fulfill this role, but in a clerical…

  • Birthday letter to the queen by Jake Marshall Dunhill, grade 2

    Dear the Queen, How are you? Are you having a good birthday? How is it being old? Do you like it? Do you want to get even more older or just stay the same amount of old? Have you been old ever since you were little, or did you just get old recently? Do you…

  • UNINSPIRATIONAL QUOTES EPISODE #3

    "The most urgent health problem in the developed world is obesity. The most urgent health problem in the developing world is starvation."   "Either you motherfuckers need to start sharing those cheeseburgers or I am going to have to try and get Madonna to adopt me. Do you really want to live with that on…

  • UNINSPIRATIONAL QUOTES EPISODE 2

    "No matter how good you are at your job, there will always be someone much less talented than you making a lot more money." This might seem like  cop out statement for an artist, but I feel it's never a bad idea to reiterate just how terrible the taste of the general public is. Just…