Category Archives: new york limes best smelling author

Inaugural happy Xmas/holidays/ Hanukkah/ thankgod2016isnearlydead sale!!!!

Dearest humanfolk,

Like most rational people, I have a firm policy of telling Xmas to SHUT UP until December. Now that it actually is December, let’s talk about shiny happy things!

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I’m having my inaugural happy Xmas/Hanukkah/thankgod2016isnearlydead sale! My last novel, Killing Adonis, is now available for just TEN cashmoneydollarbucks! That’s even less than a bar of Jesus Soap.

Killing Adonis is about to have its North American release, and it recently picked up a Kirkus Star (one of my top five favourite stars, right behind Sirius A and Sirius B). In exchange for 10 measly dollars (please do not send dollars infected with measles) I will throw a copy at you, signed and inscribed however you like.

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You can also grab any of my other books. If you don’t love them, I will refund your purchase!* What could be better than a book for Xmas? Well, a robot dinosaur I guess. Or a time machine. Maybe some sort of mystical gauntlet. But apart from that basically nothing.

HAPPY XMAS OR WHATEVER HOLIDAY THING YOU DO OR DON’T BELIEVE IN!

*All refunds attract a processing charge of $50 per book.

A Day In The Li(f)e of a New York Limes Best Smelling Author

Writers are often asked: “What’s your daily process?”

I assume this is because many people entertain the outlandish fantasy that most writers wake up late, stare philosophically into the middle distance for an hour or two, do about twenty minutes of actual work and then spend the rest of the day hanging out in opium dens. I’d like to take a few moments to dispel these fallacies by offering a very rare and  personal glimpse into my daily life as a New York Limes Best Smelling author.

8:62AM

START WITH A HEALTHY BREAKFAST

Cockatrice

In my teenage years I began most mornings with a cup of Slurm or ambrosia alongside a large serving of fried unicorn. These days I’m trying to watch my figure (watch it EXPAND amirite?) so I stick to a nice cockatrice omelette. It’s important for me to use free range eggs, sadly in 2015 many farmers still engage in the barbaric practice of battery caging cockatrices. If you have allergies to cockatrice eggs you can substitute dragon or phoenix, but these tend to be a little pricier.

ELEVENTY-SIX AM

IDEAS 

Pygmy-Marmoset-Babytumblr_lro7h0iBCd1qimdtio1_500     Musée des arts et métiers, Paris. Machine à écrire portable Corona, 1920.   maths-equal-sign-wallpaper     Killing Adonis_JM Donellan_3D

Next I have to get some ideas. Writers are often asked ‘where do you get your ideas from?’ and there are a range of sources, but I like to keep things simple. I use the classic monkeys at typewriters technique. The smell and noise can be annoying but it’s worth it. The recommended quantity is 100, but I don’t shift as many units as James Patterson (word on the street is that he has an international conglomerate of monkeys working for him) so I can only afford 43. Also, due to a purchasing error, I only have pygmy marmosets and they have to jump from one key to the next, so typing a whole book takes a really long time.

13th:23rd PM

SOCIAL MEDIUM TIME

healer

Often young aspiring writers ask me how much time you should ideally spend on social media, usually while they are tweeting from their phone and scrolling through instagram on their iPad. My reply is usually ‘Hey, do you mind? Are you familiar with the concept of eye contact?’ and then I tell them that social media is an important tool for tracking idiotic things that Jonathan Franzen has said recently, but what you really want to invest your time in is a social MEDIUM. The use of a psychic to spruik your books in the land of the dead is very important. The dead don’t really have much to do except bitch about each other, so they’re always hungry for reading material, plus their population is huge (and growing by the day!) so they’re an important market to tap into.

33 1/3rd PM SNACK BREAK!

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Usually around this time I feel my motivation lagging and I need to perk myself up. I like to achieve this by enjoying my favourite beverage: The Tears of My Enemies. When I was a young rookie I had to collect these the old fashioned way, with baseball bats and threats. This obviously took a lot of time. Nowadays my schedule’s pretty crowded, so I use a tears exchange program. My tears are sent out to a central agency who in turn provide me with the requested tears. I’m not sure where mine are sent, because it’s an anonymous program, but Christopher Pyne has been throwing a lot of shade at me via twitter recently.

FOR PM

Travis-Bickle-Saying-You-Talking-To-Me-Taxi-Driver

Yell at the walls.

Practise De Niro’s monologue from Taxi Driver.

Attempt to balance a spoon on my nose.

MIDNIGHT O’CLOCK

Get a good night’s sleep. Resting is important for a healthy mind and body. Unfortunately, all of the people I’ve wronged/maimed/imprisoned in magical cages over the years weigh very heavily on my soul, so the only way I can sleep is on a pile of money. Even more unfortunately, I am pretty broke, so I have to sleep on a pile of monopoly money.

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BOOK O’CLOCK!!!

Penguin

When the magic’s all done and the book is finally complete, I have a really hard time waiting, so I like to cryogenically freeze myself until the night of the launch. This allows me to emerge from my stasis chamber to a round of applause. A word of caution though, I did once overset the timer and my publisher had to hire a model who was much better looking than me and, embarrassingly,  was also a lot wittier and more intelligent. I think he’s just signed a six book deal with a Penguin. Not Penguin publishing, just a penguin named Steve.

 

Love and Psychopaths

Oh hey there everyone! In super magic big plus exciting times news: I recently handed in the manuscript for my new novel to Pantera Press! Hopefully they like it, otherwise I’ll just print it out and drive around throwing it onto people’s lawns which will be very expensive and time consuming and also possibly injure their pets.

This has meant I’ve had some time to finish up and release a couple of short stories for your digital media bookreading simulator device. One is (sort of) a  love story about a man who is enraptured by someone who isn’t really there and the other is a (sort of) horror story about a bromance between psychopaths. They are only $1 each, so it’s either get one of these stories or some used underwear from your local charity store, your call.

erica final cover THIS             House. Hunting. JM Donellan

 

PS a quick thank you to the folks on Twitter and Facebook who helped me put together some ideas for House. Hunting. by sharing their stories about the strange/psychopathic behaviour of their housemates. You guys have shared roofs, bathrooms and bodily odours with some seriously fucked up individuals.

PPS I’lll be at the Sydney Writers’ Festival in a couple of weeks and it will be crazy and amazing! There will be heaps of other great authors like David Mitchell, Emily St John Mandel, Annabel Crabb etc. Come and say hi if you’re in that corner of this particular universe.

SUPANOVA 2014

Hello there internet, how are you? I’m fine, thanks for asking. Sorry it’s been a while since I’ve posted. I’ve been insanely busy promoting Killing Adonis and finishing off the script for the new graphic novel. I’m going to quickly share a couple of highlights from this year’s Supanova festival, because it was one of the best weekends of my life. As a diehard fan of anime, comic books, scifi and video games this whole festival was definitely my bag/jam/cup of tea (bag of jam tea?) Here’s some of my highlights. Apologies in advance for dropping names like I usually drop glasses (frequently, and with much embarrassment).

1 Robin Hobbs educating me on the finer points of bong engineering.

2 Meeting heaps of super enthusiastic fans. After years of tapping away at the keys alone in my room, it’s REALLY nice to meet people who are genuinely excited about this new book.

3 Talking gender in fiction with Robin, Kylie Chan, Steve Worland and Peter Hambleton. It’s a subject that I’m very passionate about and it was great to explore it in this forum. Also I had a few people ask about the ‘ungendered’ story I mentioned: there’s a link here. PS Hambleton loves whiskey. True story.

4 This bullet time photo with all the supanova authors:

5 Alan Tudyk throwing a massive box of maltesers onto the writers’ table.

6 A giant dalek offering the crowd tea and biscuits.

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7 Amazing costumes

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8 The pineapple.

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9 Usurping Matthew Reilly’s signing desk while he was at lunch (sorry Matt!)

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10 Getting my ‘yearbook’ signed by some amazing writers and the Supanova staff.

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There’s a few more pics on my facebook page. See you next year!

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L to R: Kylie Chan, Matthew Reilly, Juliet Marieller, Robin Hobb, Famous Pineapple, Some Total Loser, Steve Worland, Sean Williams, Scott Baker, Ian Irvine, Colin Taber.

Killing Adonis by J.M. Donellan reviewed by J.M. Donellan

KA review

First of all, I was highly disappointed that this novel was not written by Tim Winton. As every reviewer knows, the only good novels in Australia are those that are either written by Tim Winton or try very extremely hard to sound like his work with the addition of a mild idiosyncratic twist. Perhaps a giraffe with OCD and a drinking problem or a sexually confused parking inspector with a penchant for Scandinavian taxidermy.

This book has received a slew of favourable reviews. Books + Publishing said ‘This is a writer with a deft handle on his craft’, Book’d Out called it a ‘surprising page turner‘ and Glamadelaide went so far as to comment that Killing Adonis is ‘great, inventive storytelling from an exciting new Australian author.’ Frankly I don’t see what all the fuss is about. As a post-modern western space opera it leaves a lot to be desired, as an erotic kung fu saga it is (almost) completely lacking in either sex scenes or kung fu sequences and as a technical manual for the Atari 800 it is beyond useless. After reading all 450 pages of this book I am still have no idea how to reboot my mainframe in the event of a lightning strike or zombie apocalypse.

 Killing Adonis is incompatible with:  

Inflatable pool 01       xbox one       Matrix_007

Killing Adonis is completely lacking in digital features. I tried a vast range of swiping and voice commands and it was obstinately unresponsive. The novel is not compatible with OSX , Xbox, Linux or the Matrix and all attempts to connect to WiFi or Bluetooth met with disaster. Furthermore, it proved entirely inadequate as a floatation device in even the most rudimentary inflatable pool testing and when I tried to use it to assemble my newly purchased Ikea wardrobe it was nothing short of unusable.

walther P99

Under ballistics testing, the book did prove somewhat more capable. Its 450 pages and pleasingly tactile faux leather cover do serve to reduce the velocity of a Walther P99 at a distance of 300 feet. However, at closer proximity the bullet will penetrate all the way through, so use with caution.

Overall I’d give this book 5 stars (out of 100) and unreservedly recommend it as a bullet resistant accessory but strongly encourage anyone who is looking for a Tim Winton penned futureproof Bluetooth enabled erotic space opera to look elsewhere. Available from all good bookstores (and some of the bad ones).

 

Killing Adonis launch party sneak preview.

Hey dudes I made a little sneak preview video for the launch with my friend the amazing incredible astonishing etc Sandi Darling who runs a cool parents blog at Milk Eyes.  Note: this video features lots of big shiny drugs. Don’t forget to RSVP to Events@PanteraPress.com. Facebook event is here. 

Killing Adonis now available for preorder TELL EVERYONE AND THEIR GRANDMAS

DEAREST THE UNIVERSE KILLING ADONIS IS NOW AVAILABLE FOR PREORDER LOTS OF PLACES EVERYONE GO BUY IT PLEASE I HAVE KIDS TO FEED.*

Killing Adonis_JM Donellan_3D

Avid Reader

Google Play books

Amazon

Itunes

*Not human children of course, just baby goats. But those things eat a LOT!

PS Don’t forget everyone in the world except Chris Brown and Gina Rinehart is invited to the book launch/warehouse party. 

KILLING ADONIS BOOK LAUNCH

All right internet, this is the big one. I’ve been waiting four goddamn years for this and you can bet your grandma’s kitten we are going to have a party to remember. FEAST YOUR EYES ON THIS SWEET LINEUP!

lucy fox      kaitlyn plyley                                                  LUCY FOX                                          KAITLYN PLYLEY

dizzy miss lizzy           POETRY IS DEAD@thejudith-14

DIZZY MISS LIZZY                                            POETRY IS DEAD

rivermouth

RIVERMOUTH

What a bunch of genius babes. Plus there’ll be site design and art from Sandi Darling and Anna Cooke, fireworks, food trucks, cheap beers and all kinds of shenanigans. Entry is just a small donation, 100% of which will go towards the performers. What kind of IDIOT would miss a party like that? Not you, obviously. See you there.

Screenshot 2014-09-03 09.37.42CLICK HERE for facebook event page.

CLICK HERE to download a pdf of the invitation: KILLING ADONIS Book Launch 27 September 2014

CLICK HERE to watch a news anchor being pwned by a chicken.