A brief but essential guide for those making the difficult transition from solitary living to cohabitation.

1 Air guitarring way too enthusiastically.

Obviously a small amount of air guitarring is permissible, nay, REQUIRED in good company. However, full on, down on your knees ‘guitar face’ soloing is highly ill advised. This goes double for head banging, particularly after that time that I slammed my head into the coffee table during the solo to ‘good times, bad times.’

2 swearing at the toaster

This probably shouldn’t be done in any case. I mean, it’s not the toaster’s fault that you slept in because you were so busy dreaming that you could speak French and had to save Scarlett Johansson from attempting to sing Tom Waits songs only to awake and find that only the first part of that particular nightmare was the invention of your imagination. It’s not the toaster’s fault that the fucking toast takes so fucking long to fucking cook fuck fuck shit FUCK! And no throwing the toaster at the wall doesn’t help, it’s not the wall’s fault either.


Was it all just a horrible dream?

3 Wearing embarrassingly effeminate underwear that your ex girlfriend bought you and you really, really wouldn’t wear anymore if it wasn’t so goddam comfortable.

Okay, so the relationship was an absolute train wreck (and I don’t mean page 12 footnote mention train wreck, I mean prime time, front page, widespread devastation and carnage level train wreck) but I did get this one really comfortable set of boxers out of it. Sure they have what I would LIKE to refer to as stallions but am aware most people would prefer to identify as ‘ponies’ printed on them, but damn, so comfortable! Might have to stick to wearing them underneath other clothing items of the slightly less humiliating variety. Such as my brown flares with the 'Bowie’ patch sown into the bum.

when I say: Black-stallion y'all say:   Cool-pony

4 drinking alone

Thankfully, drinking alone becomes substantially more difficult when surrounded by other people. However, this will mean an end to passing out on the couch whilst watching Black Books with a bottle of cheap red wine and a bowl of half eaten microwaved pasta four nights a the week. The other after affects of drinking alone, such as karaoking the fuck out of heartbreak classics, particularly those that explicitly refer to oneself as a woman, are also now banned.

5 incessantly asking editing advice

Does this scene work? Is this characters voice appropriate for their cultural background and level of education? I’m not sure about the ending…Do the supporting characters need tweaking? Should it have ninjas? Should it have zombies? Should it have pirates? Should it have zombie ninjas pirates who take over a condo in California that neighbours a cemetery on one side and a celebrity rehab facility on the other?

Gets annoying doesn’t it? Well, if you live with me you sure as hell better get used to it. I have to bring these characters to life and I need your help. If you don’t help me its like you aren’t helping to raise a child. WHICH IS ALMOST LIKE MURDER!

Besides, for every one question I verbalise I have another 10 748 buzzing around in my head, just imagine how annoying that gets.

Okay that’s all for this week. You may resume your meagre existence til then.


Was that okay? Did it read 'glib' or 'self-depreciating'? Do you think they’ll like it?