Often when I mention to people
that I am a writer, their eyes light up and they say :
"Oh! So you’re going to be Here, for the record, is a list
the next Dan Brown!"
of people and objects that I would RATHER be than the aforementioned
THE MOULDY STRAWBERRY IN MY REFRIGERATOR
Sure, this little bugger has
missed his moment. There was a time when it could have brought both joy and sustenance, whereas now he will be relegated to the refuse, along with all my mail marked 'payment due immediately'. But at least this strawberry once HAD this potential.
Once, like its brethren that are still
THE MOP BOY AT THE PEEP SHOW IN THE VALLEY
in passable shape, it could have been enjoyed with ice-cream on a warm summer’s
afternoon, or as part of a delectable fruit salad, or even in isolation as a
light and tasty snack. The same cannot be said of The Davinci Code. I mean,
have you tried eating that thing? It has an awful texture and a taste so
potently bland that it makes the interior content look positively sumptuous in
This has long been regarded as
the most notoriously foul job that a human being could ever attain. Sometimes I
wonder what he tells his parents he does for a ‘living’? “Yeah mum, work at the office is
going great. Lots of mergers, and…um…acquisitions, closers and…hang on I think
that’s work calling. Oh, shit. I gotta go. There’s been an unexpected
That said, he probably gets to
look at naked girls all day. So there is that. And any trauma that the poor
fellow has endured cannot possibly compare with the guilt of sullying the minds
of millions with pedestrian dialogue and a plot structure so contrived it could
have been written by the scripting team of Saved by the Bell. Which brings us conveniently to:
Saved By the Bell wrapped up in
1993, to be followed by Saved By the Bell: the College Years, to which Screech returned, after knocking back offers from Scorsese, Spielberg and
Tarantino. His real name is Dustin Diamond, as if you even care.
At first I was like But then I was all
return for the cast’s recent 20 year reunion. Whether this was because he
wasn’t invited or because he was busy researching the potential implications of
the Copenhagen Interpretation in relation to the dynamics of subatomic
particles in a closed environment paradigm I couldn’t say. All I know is I
would rather be this weird looking guy that I will forever associate with
canned laughter and bowls of fruity loops than the hack who penned Digital
THAT CREEPY GUY WHO LIVES ACROSS THE ROAD
Sure we’ve had our differences
(as detailed here) but no matter how much that surly, chain-smoking and mostly
likely sociopathic creep terrifies me, he will never, ever harm me so much as
the fateful moment when I walked into an Angus and Robertson bookstore in 2005. There,
in the #1 slot of the ‘Top 100 Books of all time', was the Da Vinci Code. Next to that vast
selection of literary genius, Dan Brown’s pulpy thriller looked much like an
overweight, drug addled cross-dresser in the line up for Miss Universe auditions.
one of these things is not like the other…
The greatest books of ALL TIME people. That means more than the last five
years. Come on, To Kill a Mocking Bird? 1984? Have you people ever even been
inside a library? And no, being inside a librarian does not count. Much to my
relief, when the list was updated last year, there was wasn’t a single Dan
Brown entry in the WHOLE LIST.
This means that either:
1 People either repressed all
memory of his books to the bitter depths of their unconscious, to dwell with
their memories of having their eyebrows shaved at year eight camp and that time
that their cousin made a pass at them after a few too many Jager shots.
2 The whole thing was just a terrible dream. Like the Bush administration.
Coincidentally, in 2008 a certain bespectacled wizard took the top spot.
With Twilight at #2. Yay?