WARNING: A functional sense of humour is required for optimal enjoyment of the following post. If you are reading this article and feel a sense of overwhelming rage consuming you as salty discharge pours forth from your eyeholes, it is possible that you are deficient in the normal human quantities of humour and/or irony. You may need to consult your physician and abstain from internet forums and youtube comments sections.
Dear the internet, I have a confession to make. I HATE PANDAS. I mean, you know, not hate in the sense that I HATE Pfizer or Donald Trump or whoever the hell invented the vocoder, but you, know…
Pandas are an endangered species. There are very few pandas currently living in the wild, and they are teetering on the brink of extinction. Pandas are in fact, the symbol of the WWF. By which I mean World Wildlife Fund not World Wrestling Federation, although if they were the symbol of that as well I would be highly amused. Obviously, as with any endangered species, there is a great deal of effort invested in trying to get them to reproduce. The problem is, however, that the average man panda has about as much interest in reproducing as a morbidly obese homosexual octogenarian with a nasty bout of syphilis.
For starters, the man panda can't even figure out how to have sex in captivity until it has been shown panda porn. Yes. Panda porn. It has to watch recordings of its brethren doing the horizontal tango before it can finally figure out "ohhhhhhh so THAT'S where it goes."
Of course, once the panda has been sufficiently sexually educated, it is ready to breed some much needed panda progeny, right? WRONG. You see, the man panda is so goddamn choosy, that if it is sharing a sweet zoo pad with the last lady panda it will likely ever see, it frequently decides that she isn't up to scratch and refuses to 'hit that' (in the sexual sense, not the domestic violence sense). You know the phrase 'not if you were the last woman on earth?' The panda takes this to a whole nother level.
When this happens, zookeepers are forced to undertake a daring con, the likes of which the cast of hustle could only look upon in awe. The zoo keepers borrow a more attractive lady panda from another zoo, then parade her up and down behind the safety of a cage until man panda is randier than a college undergrad at a beer pong grand final. Then they put the man panda in a dark room with his originally intended mate, and, if all goes according to plan, the two of them do the kinds of things that Barry White is always crooning on about. Immediately after man panda performs an action that bad romance novels would describe as 'spilling his man juice in her sacred lady garden' he realises that he has been duped and flies into a fit of PANDA RAGE.
THIS IS THE TERRIFYING FACE OF PANDA RAGE!!!!!!!!
Alright, that's quite enough about panda sexual habits. Let's move onto diet. We all know what pandas eat right? Pandas love bamboo. Just can't get enough of the old bamboo. Bamboo is to pandas what shrimp (australian translation= prawns) are to bubba gump right? Not…quite. A little known fact about pandas is that the lazy bastards are genetically built to eat meat, but are too lazy to hunt. Technically, they are carnivores, but unless an animal commits ritual suicide in front of them, they stick to their preferred brand of bamboo. What. The Fuck.
This is a species with no will to live. Let's give up on them and focus our attention to the millions of other endangered species on the planet that actually want to eat and procreate.
In next week's adventures: WHY I HATE PUPPIES AND SWEET OLD LADIES.