Tag Archives: sex

Why I Hate Pandas

WARNING: A functional sense of humour is required for optimal enjoyment of the following post. If you are reading this article and feel a sense of overwhelming rage consuming you as salty discharge pours forth from your eyeholes, it is possible that you are deficient in the normal human quantities of humour and/or irony. You may need to consult your physician and abstain from internet forums and youtube comments sections.


Dear the internet, I have a confession to make. I HATE PANDAS. I mean, you know, not hate in the sense that I HATE Pfizer or Donald Trump or whoever the hell invented the vocoder, but you, know…

Here's why.

Pandas are an endangered species. There are very few pandas currently living in the wild, and they are teetering on the brink of extinction. Pandas are in fact, the symbol of the WWF. By which I mean World Wildlife Fund not World Wrestling Federation, although if they were the symbol of that as well I would be highly amused. Obviously, as with any endangered species, there is a great deal of effort invested in trying to get them to reproduce. The problem is, however, that the average man panda has about as much interest in reproducing as a morbidly obese homosexual octogenarian with a nasty bout of syphilis.

WWF logo   VS. Shawn_Michaels

For starters, the man panda can't even figure out how to have sex in captivity until it has been shown panda porn. Yes. Panda porn. It has to watch recordings of its brethren doing the horizontal tango before it can finally figure out "ohhhhhhh so THAT'S where it goes."


Of course, once the panda has been sufficiently sexually educated, it is ready to breed some much needed panda progeny, right? WRONG. You see, the man panda is so goddamn choosy, that if it is sharing a sweet zoo pad with the last lady panda it will likely ever see, it frequently decides that she isn't up to scratch and refuses to 'hit that' (in the sexual sense, not the domestic violence sense). You know the phrase 'not if you were the last woman on earth?' The panda takes this to a whole nother level.


When this happens, zookeepers are forced to undertake a daring con, the likes of which the cast of hustle could only look upon in awe. The zoo keepers borrow a more attractive lady panda from another zoo, then parade her up and down behind the safety of a cage until man panda is randier than a college undergrad at a beer pong grand final. Then they put the man panda in a dark room with his originally intended mate, and, if all goes according to plan, the two of them do the kinds of things that Barry White is always crooning on about. Immediately after man panda performs an action that bad romance novels would describe as 'spilling his man juice in her sacred lady garden' he realises that he has been duped and flies into a fit of PANDA RAGE.



Alright, that's quite enough about panda sexual habits. Let's move onto diet. We all know what pandas eat right? Pandas love bamboo. Just can't get enough of the old bamboo. Bamboo is to pandas what shrimp (australian translation= prawns) are to bubba gump right? Not…quite. A little known fact about pandas is that the lazy bastards are genetically built to eat meat, but are too lazy to hunt. Technically, they are carnivores, but unless an animal commits ritual suicide in front of them, they stick to their preferred brand of bamboo. What. The Fuck.

This is a species with no will to live. Let's give up on them and focus our attention to the millions of other endangered species on the planet that actually want to eat and procreate.

In next week's adventures: WHY I HATE PUPPIES AND SWEET OLD LADIES.

(Just kidding.)

The Price is Free

Dear the Government,

How are you?  I know that you are rather busy unreasonably oppressing refugess in direct violation of the UN charter that you signed, but I wondered if you might address something for me.


The thing is; I love libraries. At a library I can instantly attain one of the things that I love most in the world: books. Not only this, but I can sit and read them in air conditioning with a view of the river and really weird fluroscent lighting, all for zero dollars. This is convenient as it just so happens that free is my favourite price. Not to play the poor starving artist card, but as it happens I am a poor starving artist. It says so right here, where I wrote it in purple texta:

    This is a picture of a piece of card with the

words 'I am a starving artist' written in purple


This ironically means that I can’t afford to buy lots of books. Thus libraries are wonderful. The only problem however, is that whilst reading a book I am temporarily prevented from writing books of my own. If I were to attempt to do such a thing my books would basically just be regurgitations of whatever books I was reading in a specific time period. This kind of thing is called plagiarism and is generally frowned upon, unless your name is James Cameron in which case people like to give you academy awards and several billion dollars for being very extremely good at plagiarism.

I would like the goverment to set up other services where I can get things that I enjoy for free. Here is a list for your convenience:


Nature (this used to be free, but is not mostly owned by rich jerks who build giant fences.)


Food (but not the dead animal flesh kind).

Art (the good kind, not the I-went-to-art-school-because-I-wanted-an-excuse-to-wear this-yellow-lycra-jumpsuit kind.)

Video games.

Foot rubs.

If you could get right on that it would be very much appreciated. In turn I will continue to pay my tax dollars which I earn through selling my books to people who are allergic to libraries. By current estimates by tax contirubtion is 0.00000000000000000000000000000000314% of the national GDP and in light of this fact I would think that you would take this suggestion very seriously.

Thankyou and I hope you have a lovely day incarcerating people who are escaping from war-torn countries.


Yours Since Clearly,

JM Donellan



This is an artpiece made of art by an artist that says' Todo Esta Muy Caro' which is spanish for 'everything is very expensive.' If the artist had been working in Australia, he may have instead written 'todo esta muy, muy fucking caro.' Except that we probably wouldn't have let him in account of that fact that he spoke foreign talky sounds. And even worse, is an artist.