Tag Archives: graffiti

Literally the ugliest thing ever built in all of human history

My Dearest Brisbane City Council,

I hope that the first days of 2012 have treated you well and that you are recovering from your collective hangover, which I imagine a government body experiences as a sort of hive mind shared headache coupled with an inexplicable desire to eat copious quantities of Tim Tams.

Recently on Waterworks Rd, which I have lived near, next to and occasionally underneath for the last five years or so, a giant camera was installed. Now, I understand that speed cameras and the like are important, but the plethora of digital monitoring devices installed along this street over the last few years makes me concerned that I might be secretly filmed as part of a potently uninteresting reality TV show entitled 'Guy Who Gets Increasingly Irate About Vast Numbers of Cameras and Then Writes a Dumb Letter About it.'  

DSCN1950
If you don't think this looks like a giant robot penis, then you clearly haven't seen enough robot penises.  

This new camera is particularly striking because, let's be honest, it looks like the penis of a giant robot. Now, I certainly don't want to give the impression that I'm the sort of backward individual that thinks transmogrifying our streetscape into some sort of digitally omniscient panopticon is a BAD idea. 

Nor would I ever make the outrageous accusation that waging a war on street art, ostensibly in the interest of maintaining the aesthetics of this fair city, is a violently incongruent campaign to run whilst simultaneously installing thirty foot steel pillars that resemble giant robot penises. That said, although I've never been one for hyperbole I think it would be no exaggeration to say that this is literally the ugliest human structure ever erected by any human anywhere in all of history. I have never in all my days seen anything more hideous, and I once saw a picture of Nicole Ritchie without makeup.

Zombie2"OMFG Paris and I are SO not friends anymore!"

Now, I'm aware that you must receive countless letters from concerned citizens that are all complaints with no solutions. But today is your lucky day! In addition to my complaints, I am going to offer you some potential solutions to this problem and completely waive my usual consultation fee of $500 per hour and a very large piece of cheesecake.

 Clearly the camera would be costly and inefficient to take down, regardless of the number of complaints urging you to do so. But there is nothing to stop you dressing it up a little! Who knows, this monstrous symbol of constant citizen monitoring could be just like that girl with the ugly glasses in all those terrible teen movies that turns out to actually be a ridiculously hot girl who despite her remarkable intellect had never once thought to wear contacts and let her hair down. 

SUGGESTIONS

1 TURN IT INTO A GIANT MAYPOLE

Maypole

"Oh what a gay old time we are having dancing in ridiculously impractical clothing around this giant robot penis!"

No one really knows the true origin of the maypole. Some say it was a stick that was originally intended for the burning of particularly colourful witches, others claim that maypole dancing was an activity invented by a antiquarian marketing company that wanted to increase sales of poles, ribbons and maypole related accessories. Though its origins are shrouded in mystery, one thing's clear: everybody loves a maypole!

2 TRANSFORM IT INTO A HUMUNGOUS YEAR ROUND XMAS TREE 

Christmas_Tree_2
"Hey kids, you know what would make Christmas even better this year? A camera mounted at the top of the tree to constantly monitor our activity!"

Wasn't it sad when Christmas was over? After months of gleefully watching credit card debts expand, enjoying irate shoppers shoving each other out of the way and listening to weird uncle Frank's annual Christmas rant about how boat people and gay marriage are the leading cause of heart failure amongst middle aged conservatives we had to put all the decorations away and return to our dreary non-Christmassy lives. But what if we could make that magic last all YEAR LONG?! A giant xmas tree camera tower is the obvious answer.

3 MAKE IT INTO A MASSIVE TESLA COIL

               Tesla coil

The main thing that you need to know about the Tesla coil is that it is amazing. You think a giant camera is going to encourage safe driving? Just think about how great it would be if that camera could also SHOOT LIGHTNING. Plus Waterworks rd. would constantly resemble the set of a B grade science fiction movie, and who the hell wouldn't want that? IDIOTS, that's who! 

This concludes my complaint letter. I hope enjoy the rest of your day, and I look forward to seeing the completed maypole, Xmas tree or Tesla coil installed within the next 5-10 workdays. 

Yours Since Clearly,

J.M. Donellan

 

 

350 PROJECT

        The
art of writing is by its very nature hermetic. It’s one of the few jobs in the
world where being a depressed, introverted alcoholic may actually be of
assistance. Well, that and claims adjusting perhaps.


Mi goreng  +  Red-wine + Dirty 3 x Typewriter = Warandpeace

  this is a summation of everything I learnt in 3 years of studying literature.

    In
any case, as much as I love being cloistered away in my literary lair
accompanied by
only the dull blue glow of my laptop, a near infinite supply of
mi goreng and the sounds of the dirty three, I do occasionally need to venture
outside into the great wide world with its billboards, traffic jams, ikea
stores and
balloon boy hoaxes
   

    In the last two years I've busied myself with the chalk project, and the 4C arts collective and I’m working on a new
abandoned building project. In the interrum I decided to assist my
incredible friend, Anna; (the only person I know who is a brilliant
scientist, environmental activist AND artist), with her 350 project.

 
    Anna
stitched up these patches which a few of us then covertly distributed around
Paddington in the dead of night. Okay, it was more like half nine, but
seriously, graffiti artists take note: Paddington at 9.30 on a Monday is like
Rupert Murdoch’s conscience; completely silent.

350a

The genius of using these patches is that they are not only incredibly eye
catching and made from recycled material but they also cause no permanent damage
to property. We really didn’t have to worry about police presence because
although we didn’t exactly write to Campbell can’t-fucking-do-anything-right
Newman for permission, I doubt we would have had too much trouble from the
po-lease even if they had spotted us.

350b

For more information on 350 click here: http://www.350.org/

 Or
to access getup.org.au's information on how to be involved locally click here:

http://www.getup.org.au/community/gettogethers/series.php?id=27

And remember, every time you read the twilight series or the vampire diaries, Ronald Macdonald sets a tree on fire and kills a panda.