Tag Archives: correspondences

VLAD = Very Lucky Australian Dictator

My dearest Newman

it’s your old pal JD here. As you know, I do my utmost to be a law-abiding citizen, no matter how ineffective, draconian or heavily criticised by experts the laws in question may be. After all, we all know that pesky experts just get in the way of progress, right? What with their opinions formed from actual experience and/or academic qualification, rather than the far more validating source of pure, irrational, gut-feeling. You’re a man who thinks with his gut, Mr Newman,  you don’t have time for consultation or due process, and I think that’s something that we all admire. Sure, the odd West End hippie might get questioned for drawing in chalk and police might start receiving death threats, but we all know that doing the (very far) right thing isn’t always easy. In fact, what’s confusing about doing the right thing is that it so often looks like exactly the wrong thing. On every conceivable level.

i heart bikies

Now, as much as I am doing my best to abide by these shiny new VLAD laws, much like Jarrod Bleijie I have only limited experience with the law and I am somewhat confused about the details. I’m hoping you can clarify a few things for me, thanks in advance for your assistance.

zen

1 Next week my book club is meeting to discuss Zen and the Art of Motorcycle maintenance. We often travel on bicycle, sometimes in groups of three or more. Should I call my lawyer and give him a heads up in case we get arrested?

sons of anarchy

2 Every third Wednesday I get together with my friends at the Sons of Anarchy fan club. We usually wear our official t-shirts but recently police have been questioning fans for showing off their affection for SAMCRO. Is it okay if we continue to wear the merchandise of fictitious American TV shows? Because I’d really hate to give up my official Mad Men smoking jacket just because police thought it was the name of a irate terrorist group with a gender biased recruitment policy.

scorpionnnn     scorpion  scorpion_cosplay_by_killingraptor-d4yxgmz

“Damn it Jeremy,  that’s the wrong Scorpion! You do this every time!”

3 I’m going to a costume party this weekend and a couple of us of thought it would be fun to go dressed as popular video game character Scorpion. Unfortunately, this means we would collectively be referred to as The Scorpions. While it’s true that experts say that the Scorpions don’t actually exist in Australia, you have wisely added them to your list of banned organisations and I just want to make sure that I don’t ruffle any legal feathers. I’ve also revoked my membership to other non-existent organisations like SHIELD, Weiland-Yutani, Lexcorp, Cyberdyne and the Australian Quidditch League.

4 I play in a band called the Bandidos, we mostly perform Latin flavoured covers of Miley Cyrus songs (you haven’t heard ‘Wrecking Ball’ until you’ve heard it played on the Charango, believe me!) and we all have matching jackets with our band name on the back. Will we be alright to go ahead with our performance at the West End retirement village next week? I really don’t want to disappoint Mabel. She’s 94 years old and this might be the last concert she see before she dies. I mean, she doesn’t hear so well these days, but damn can the old girl twerk!

fuck u newman

It’s true that hundreds of people have flooded your facebook page with angry complaints over the last few days, but they don’t have the same thorough understanding of the legal system as you.  Sadly, there have been some downsides to the new laws, but you can’t make an omelette without breaking a few eggs right? And sometimes those eggs include mistakenly harassing a funeral cortege on their way to mourn the death of a 70 year old cancer patient. Thanks for reminding us that the separation of powers is ‘more of an American thing,’ just like the right to freedom from persecution is ‘more of a Canadian thing’, the right to a well-financed education system is ‘more of a Scandinavian thing’ and the right to a state ruled by a democratically elected leader who creates laws that actually work is ‘more of a Queensland circa 2011’ kinda deal.

Swarm Regards,

JM Donellan

PS

Love letters to corporations episode #6

My dearest ticketek,

I am writing today to commend you on your excellent and innovate business model of charging for delivery of etickets, a service which, by my mathematical reckoning, costs you precisely $0.000000000 dollars. I had once believed that your email delivery prices of $4-5 would be the absolute zenith of your entrepreneurial courage. But lo! I was mistaken. Please accept my most humble apologies for doubting the ambitious heights of your brave and fearless profiteering, for I have recently learned that you charged $7.60 for delivery of etickets to Jack White’s recent Sydney performance.

“I’m going to Australia! / A seven dollar ticket fee won’t hold them back…”

This is a profit earning venture of the highest and most laudable courage. I can only imagine that upon hearing this news drug kingpins, such as the Wire’s Avon Barksdale, leaned back in their comfy leather chairs and proclaimed:

“Goddamn dawg, we in the wrong motherf**king business up in here. We shootin’ fools and getting sprayed wit bullets to get that green and those dudes up in ticketek just be kicking back in airconditioning getting mad cash thrown at ’em by charging delivery for ETICKETS? Etickets don’t cost no money to deliver! Don’t those Aussie punters be knowing dat? I wanna deliver a K of blow, I gotta pay my drivers, my security, my dealers, gotta pay the Five-0 ta look the other way, that sh*t costs money yo! I gotta factor that into the cost of my product. You ain’t gotta do that to send a goddamn email! Dem Aussies got ta get a rudimentary understanding of the inherent dangers of allowing a monopolised system to exploit its users, yo.”

Recently, I released my second novel, which retails for $17.95 RRP. I decided that for copies sold via my website I would incorporate the $3 packaging and posting cost into a $19.95 bundle so that it could come in at slightly less than a $20 note, or the cost of ten packs of tim-tams (units of tim tams are how I calculate the vast majority of my financial transactions, much to the chagrin of my accountant.)

  +              OR    x 10                             

I realise now that this is insane. I mean, by way of contrast, for you to send 1 000 tickets would cost you $0 and earn $7 600, whereas to ship 1 000 of my books would cost $3 000 and earn me $ 3000 thus making a profit of zero. Inspired by your daylight robbery entrepreneurial spirit , I have some suggestions for further business innovations:

1 Have you thought of charging your customers for the air that they will be breathing at the event? Clearly some people may be unhappy about this, but of course, they are always welcome to bring their own oxygen tanks!

2 How about charging the punters each time they go to the bathroom OR even better, a per minute fee? This would have the extra benefit of discouraging girls from spending hours in the bathroom discussing theoretical physics (I assume that’s why they spend so goddamn long in there?)

“So anyway, then I was all like, OMFG, if you can’t coalesce with me on Schrodinger’s Cat then we are NEVER going to see eye to eye on the Einstein-Podolsky-Rosen paradox!  It’s totes OVER!”

3 Finally, what about charging a small fee to people walking past your venues and overhearing your events? I mean, those parasitical bastards are benefitting from your entertainment events and paying nothing!

Thanks for your time and keep up the great work.

Swarm Regards,

J. M. Donellan

PS I have charged you $7.60 to receive this email. My invoice is attached. Payment is due within 7 days.