Tag Archives: cake

Stories are important because___________

Book cake #1 One of the best books ever written, now with more sugar!

For my birthday last week I ran a little mini-competition where I promised to give away a free copy of Zeb and the Great Ruckus to the most creative answer to the above question. I received a brilliant array of responses, ranging from the ridiculous to the philosophical and everything in between. I thought I’d share a few of my favourites here for you to enjoy. Thanks to everyone who participated, and everyone else out there feel free to comment and add your own!

“Stories are important because life and reality need to fade into the background at times.”

“Stories are important because they’re made of hopes and dreams. 
The remnants of your darkest thoughts and creatures now unseen.
Telling tales keep us connected to the world of never was. 
A place where impossible is expected and things can happen just because. 
So write your shinning words aloud and build those bridges strong. 
It’s the stories that will save us and to forget that would be wrong.”

“Stories are important because they free the mind from artificial constraints like time, gravity and parents.”

Book cake #2 (I WANT TO READ IT AND EAT IT!)

“Stories are important because they build us into the people we are, good ones make us the people we can be and great ones allow us to hope for far more.”

“Stories are important because they’re the difference between a fact, like ‘I won a free book’, and an epic tale to excite young and old about how I thwarted other people by wielding weapons of irony and cheek to triumphantly win a free book. (It’s going to make a great story. Only $14.99 plus postage and handling! Also it’s a 3D pop out book and it’s the same backwards as forwards).”

*editor’s note: I WANT TO READ THAT BOOK!

Book cake #3 I’m starting to wish all books were this incredible/edible. 

“Stories are important because they give you freedom. I grew up incredibly poor in a shed, we could only eat the food that we could grow or source, I bathed in a bucket and my clothes were always secondhand and a little shabby. We couldn’t afford much but the library was free and those stories helped me to see a world outside my own and to find the poetry in my own stories. Not to sound cliche but its the stories I read, hiding underneath my blankets, wrapped in the world of places like Narnia that taught me that there is an amazing world that isn’t dependant on how much money you have, but rather how rich your imagination can be.”

But my personal favourite was from Mr. Brady ‘Subtlety’ Clarke:

“Stories are important because when thirty bearded dudes decided the hierarchy of Important Things in the steamy autumn of 1066, the skinniest one (with the mole on his nose) yelled and screamed and spat that stories are more important than trying to conquer a goddamn island, Bill. And that’s why we have stories AND a Norman Britain.”

For further reading, there’s a great article on why stories are important over at the Journal Pulp, a list of the most beautiful bookstores in the world and, while you’re at it, a goodreads list of must read books. Happy reading!

 

If loving you is wrong, I’d like to be partially incorrect.

This week, I'm going to give you some advice on romance. Now, I know what you're thinking. It's either A) How did I end up at this page when I was looking for videos of cats playing keyboards??? or B) Why on earth would J. M. Donellan be qualified to give relationship advice? He seems to just post about getting dumped all the time

 

I have no answer for A) but in regards to B) I'm hardly going to be the first amateur to deign to impart ill-founded advice. I mean, the Situation wrote a fucking book with advice on dating, I'm pretty goddamn sure I'm more qualified than he is. Not least because of the fact that I realise that a book should consist of more than just 133 pages of narcissistic, misogynistic ranting. And fashion tips. 

Sure, love can be a beautiful thing. But let's face it there are plenty of times when it can also be gross, stupid, frustrating, painful and sometimes, just really fucking inconvenient. Maybe they're your housemate. Perhaps you just have the wrong anatomy for their romantic preferences. Or they just said the sentence "I don't know who David Bowie is." Maybe they're dating your best friend and the three of you hang out all the time and once in a while you'll all have a little too much to drink and he/she will suggest you all head into the bedroom together and by the time you realise they were only joking you're already half undressed and then you have to pretend like you were only joking too but they both know you weren't and it gets super awkward and even worse they've seen they embarrassing tattoo that you keen meaning to get removed…

Bad_tattoo
Whatever the case. There are times when being in love in just a terrible idea, so here are my strategies to help you not love someone.

 1 IMAGINE THEM AS YOUR LEAST FAVOURITE POLITICIAN

Simple but effective. If the politician in question is ugly and/or the wrong gender for your preferences, even better. Just imagine someone who really sums up everything that's wrong with politics and modern society in general, someone like, oh I don't know…

Campbell newman

2 DEVELOP A NEGATIVE PAVLOVIAN REACTION 

Canned-chrysalis-300x94"Jenny? Oh no, I'm WAY over her. She smells like transmutational butterfly larvae."

Sounds weird, I know, but weirder than tying all your hopes, dreams and happiness to one single human being who is just going to end up decomposing in the ground some day? I think not. Keep a packet of something disgusting in your pocket, like canned chrysalises for instance. Every time you see or think about your soon-to-be-not-loved one, shove something putrid into your facehole. Once you associate the object of your desire with squirming, crunchy larvae, IT'S BYE BYE ROMANCE!

3 INTRODUCE THEM TO YOUR PARENTS

Angry-parents

I know this is often what people do when a relationship is going WELL, but this is primarily due to the fact that people are idiots. By the time dear old dad asks them for the sixth time if they got that nose ring because they were hoping to more closely resemble a swine or just to antagonise their deadbeat parents you'll know that all hopes of a happy, successful relationship are dead in the water.

4 THINK ABOUT THE LAST TIME YOU BROKE UP WITH SOMEONE

Dawson-crying"Oh god! I can't do crosswords anymore! She used to use words like, all the time! Sometimes in sentences, or paragraphs even! It was our special thing…"

Bear in mind all relationships end, the only variables are when and how badly. Just try and picture that last time, when you listened to the 3 Smith Kings of Misery (Elliott Smith, The Smiths and Robert Smith) on repeat and lived on a daily intake of three bottles of cheap red wine and a family sized block of cadbury chocolate. Actually that last bit doesn't sound too bad, but then there was the bawling over summertime photos, the dividing of possessions, the places, songs, books and movies that were forever ruined. Yeah, that's right. You've got all of THAT to look forward to. Maybe in three months time, maybe three years, maybe three decades but whatever the case we all know that breaking up with someone feels like having your heart torn out of your chest, ripped in half, spat on, then forcibly reinserted via your colon.

So there you have it. Next time you start falling in love and it's going to be the worst idea ever you can thank me for reminding you that's it's the worst idea ever. Send me a thank you email. Maybe with a photo attached. Perhaps a facebook friend request.

Are you single?