Remember when you were just a child and you lacked the requisite fine motor skills to button buttons, tie ties, lace laces or strap straps? Back then your mother, father, slightly drunken uncle Phil or fifteen-and-soon-to-be-pregnant-to-her-on-again-off-again-bricklayer-boyfriend Chantelle used to dress you. And looking at you now, perhaps that was for the best. Judging from your choice of attire, clearly the gift of
free will and independent thought has not been so much a blessing a
I'm here to alleviate the burden of free will and tell you exactly what NOT to wear this
1 LENS-LESS HIPSTER GLASSES
Seriously hipsters, you are mocking people with a (mild) disability! Imagine if I showed up to a party in a wheelchair just because I appreciated its aesthetics, symmetry and the fact that its trimmings matched my custom made (in China by ten year old children) Chuck Taylors?
"Hey baby, need a ride? What? No! No it's cool I can still totally do the horizontal tango this is just a ridiculously elaborate fashion accessory."
CONS: mocks people with disabilities, costs money and yet has no purpose, could be awkward if you someday need glasses
PROS: are you kidding me? They're fake glasses. NEXT.
2 TRADITIONAL BURIAL GARMENT
Sure, I get it. You want to take your fickle fascination with the macabre to a new level. You want to show the kids that, like, we ALL die someday okay? And like, maybe some of us will die having, like, dedicated our lives to some sort of worthwhile cause in life besides vapid narcissism but OTHERS want to drown in a well of obscure consumerism under the guise of counter culture and that is THEIR choice okay?
But seriously, someone was supposed to be buried in this thing. If you get drunk and make out with someone whilst wearing it then that essentially makes them a partial necrophiliac.
CONS: You will look like a frilly idiot, costs $500 USD, encourages nercophilia.
PROS: If you get hit by a bus while wearing it you'll be pre-wrapped for the funeral.
3 DUCT TAPE HAT
I love duct tape. It fixes things so that I don't have to buy the new things that I can't afford. Like anything, for example. But duct tape is not for clothing. No, seriously. If you are dumb enough to pay for a hat made out of duct tape then I am surprised that you are even able to operate your internet machine with sufficient adroitness to facilitate the transaction.
CONS: you will look like the WORST kind of hipster moron, costs more money than a roll of duct tape and yet is just a roll of duct tape
PROS: if someone wants to gag you they will have supplies readily at hand.