Category Archives: Killing Adonis

Killing Adonis reviews, Youtube views and some new news.

DKL Killing Adonis FINAL

Great news everybody! The first reviews for the US release of Killing Adonis have come in and they are the literary equivalent of a proud teacher sticking millions of gold stars over a student’s face. Extremely excited to announce I have even managed to score a coveted Kirkus Star, which makes you temporarily invincible (like in Mario Kart). Also this means I’m in the running for the Kirkus prize, which is also good. Publisher’s Weekly Review also said some very kind and ego-inflating things about it, which was awfully kind of them. This reviewer even called it ‘this year’s most mind-blowing and droll crime fiction book’. 

It’s now available worldwide in bulletproof* hardcover and paperback from Amazon, Poisoned Pen Press and all good bookstores (as well as some of the bad ones). Amusingly, I haven’t actually received my author copies of the US edition yet so if one of you could let me know how it feels, tastes and smells that would be great.

ALSO, people keep asking  me when I’m going to put up more videos of some of my poetry performance. Unfortunately I hate being filmed and photographed. I once had a photographer tell me “The camera loves you JD! Actually, no it doesn’t. But I’m a great photographer so these’ll still be good.” However, the good folks at Word Travels recorded me performing at the Sydney Opera House last year and those videos are now online at last. The second one is even swearing free, fun for the whole family!**

*Bullet resistant

**Except racist uncle Todd, but no one likes him anyway.


 

Inaugural happy Xmas/holidays/ Hanukkah/ thankgod2016isnearlydead sale!!!!

Dearest humanfolk,

Like most rational people, I have a firm policy of telling Xmas to SHUT UP until December. Now that it actually is December, let’s talk about shiny happy things!

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I’m having my inaugural happy Xmas/Hanukkah/thankgod2016isnearlydead sale! My last novel, Killing Adonis, is now available for just TEN cashmoneydollarbucks! That’s even less than a bar of Jesus Soap.

Killing Adonis is about to have its North American release, and it recently picked up a Kirkus Star (one of my top five favourite stars, right behind Sirius A and Sirius B). In exchange for 10 measly dollars (please do not send dollars infected with measles) I will throw a copy at you, signed and inscribed however you like.

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You can also grab any of my other books. If you don’t love them, I will refund your purchase!* What could be better than a book for Xmas? Well, a robot dinosaur I guess. Or a time machine. Maybe some sort of mystical gauntlet. But apart from that basically nothing.

HAPPY XMAS OR WHATEVER HOLIDAY THING YOU DO OR DON’T BELIEVE IN!

*All refunds attract a processing charge of $50 per book.

Rock & Roll Writers Festival

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Hello there humans and any AI programs reading this, I’ve been a bit quiet of late but there are lots of exciting announcements to come in the next few weeks. The first of these is that I’m very proud to announce that I’ll be at the first ever Rock & Roll Writers Festival. There’s not really anything quite like it anywhere in the world, in that it brings together iconic musicians alongside writers who focus on music in their work. I’m very excited to have such a festival born in my home city, and absolutely thrilled to be on a panel alongside Deborah Conway and Don McGlashan:

3.00 pm – Dancing In The Dark  (Sunday) 

From novel-length saga to three-minute pop song, choosing the right words and correct structure is paramount in getting your message across. But how do you effectively combine the two? And how different is writing for a reader, as opposed to writing for a listener?

Moderator:   Samuel J. Fell
Panellists:   Deborah Conway, Don McGlashan, J.M.Donellan

The festival is structured so that there are no clashes (my pet peeve of festivals of any kind) and there is just one easy, all inclusive ticket price for the whole weekend. 1st release tix have already sold out but you can still get tickets here and check out the full program here.

I’m really looking forward to this one. Hope to see you there!

A Day In The Li(f)e of a New York Limes Best Smelling Author

Writers are often asked: “What’s your daily process?”

I assume this is because many people entertain the outlandish fantasy that most writers wake up late, stare philosophically into the middle distance for an hour or two, do about twenty minutes of actual work and then spend the rest of the day hanging out in opium dens. I’d like to take a few moments to dispel these fallacies by offering a very rare and  personal glimpse into my daily life as a New York Limes Best Smelling author.

8:62AM

START WITH A HEALTHY BREAKFAST

Cockatrice

In my teenage years I began most mornings with a cup of Slurm or ambrosia alongside a large serving of fried unicorn. These days I’m trying to watch my figure (watch it EXPAND amirite?) so I stick to a nice cockatrice omelette. It’s important for me to use free range eggs, sadly in 2015 many farmers still engage in the barbaric practice of battery caging cockatrices. If you have allergies to cockatrice eggs you can substitute dragon or phoenix, but these tend to be a little pricier.

ELEVENTY-SIX AM

IDEAS 

Pygmy-Marmoset-Babytumblr_lro7h0iBCd1qimdtio1_500     Musée des arts et métiers, Paris. Machine à écrire portable Corona, 1920.   maths-equal-sign-wallpaper     Killing Adonis_JM Donellan_3D

Next I have to get some ideas. Writers are often asked ‘where do you get your ideas from?’ and there are a range of sources, but I like to keep things simple. I use the classic monkeys at typewriters technique. The smell and noise can be annoying but it’s worth it. The recommended quantity is 100, but I don’t shift as many units as James Patterson (word on the street is that he has an international conglomerate of monkeys working for him) so I can only afford 43. Also, due to a purchasing error, I only have pygmy marmosets and they have to jump from one key to the next, so typing a whole book takes a really long time.

13th:23rd PM

SOCIAL MEDIUM TIME

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Often young aspiring writers ask me how much time you should ideally spend on social media, usually while they are tweeting from their phone and scrolling through instagram on their iPad. My reply is usually ‘Hey, do you mind? Are you familiar with the concept of eye contact?’ and then I tell them that social media is an important tool for tracking idiotic things that Jonathan Franzen has said recently, but what you really want to invest your time in is a social MEDIUM. The use of a psychic to spruik your books in the land of the dead is very important. The dead don’t really have much to do except bitch about each other, so they’re always hungry for reading material, plus their population is huge (and growing by the day!) so they’re an important market to tap into.

33 1/3rd PM SNACK BREAK!

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Usually around this time I feel my motivation lagging and I need to perk myself up. I like to achieve this by enjoying my favourite beverage: The Tears of My Enemies. When I was a young rookie I had to collect these the old fashioned way, with baseball bats and threats. This obviously took a lot of time. Nowadays my schedule’s pretty crowded, so I use a tears exchange program. My tears are sent out to a central agency who in turn provide me with the requested tears. I’m not sure where mine are sent, because it’s an anonymous program, but Christopher Pyne has been throwing a lot of shade at me via twitter recently.

FOR PM

Travis-Bickle-Saying-You-Talking-To-Me-Taxi-Driver

Yell at the walls.

Practise De Niro’s monologue from Taxi Driver.

Attempt to balance a spoon on my nose.

MIDNIGHT O’CLOCK

Get a good night’s sleep. Resting is important for a healthy mind and body. Unfortunately, all of the people I’ve wronged/maimed/imprisoned in magical cages over the years weigh very heavily on my soul, so the only way I can sleep is on a pile of money. Even more unfortunately, I am pretty broke, so I have to sleep on a pile of monopoly money.

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BOOK O’CLOCK!!!

Penguin

When the magic’s all done and the book is finally complete, I have a really hard time waiting, so I like to cryogenically freeze myself until the night of the launch. This allows me to emerge from my stasis chamber to a round of applause. A word of caution though, I did once overset the timer and my publisher had to hire a model who was much better looking than me and, embarrassingly,  was also a lot wittier and more intelligent. I think he’s just signed a six book deal with a Penguin. Not Penguin publishing, just a penguin named Steve.

 

Sydney Airport: Please Tell Your Robots To Stop Sexually Harassing Me In The Bathroom

Dearest Sydney Airport,

I like to think we know each other pretty well. You’ve made me remove various items of clothing and screened me for explosives many times. I’ve slept in your chairs, consumed your Krispy Kreme products with jet-lagged jaws and recently you’ve even been kind enough to stock my latest novel in your bookshops. Now, I’ll grant that over a breadth of time and experience a certain intimacy develops, but there are boundaries to such a relationship and one of those boundaries should very clearly be the bathroom. The shitter, the lavatory, the outhouse, the thunderbox, the bog, the porcelain wonderland. Whatever euphemism/dysphemism you want to employ for that tiled little collection of cubicles and piping where humans go to accomplish the natural – and completely disgusting – process of expunging waste. Our relationship is important to me, Sydney Airport, so let me state this clearly: When I am in the bathroom, LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE.

vivid

Recently I visited your fair city in order to attend the Sydney Writers’ Festival. How was it you say? Why, it was wonderful, thank you for asking! I spoke on some panels, signed some books, performed some poetry and got to meet many of my favourite writers. I did accidentally smack someone’s microphone out of their hand as I exited one performance but I’m going to pretend that the audience thought it was just a sort of hip-hop ‘dis’ move rather than the clumsy flailing of a terminally uncoordinated man. Plus, I got to see the Vivid festival and the luminary Sufjan Stevens. What a magical couple of days, what a grand, kaleidoscopic adventure, what a shame it had to end with a robot asking me “Wanna get naked?” in the airport bathroom.

I applied Occam’s razor to the situation and logically concluded that someone had slipped me a drug from a Phillip K. Dick novel. It turns out, however, that a video vending machine was attempting to sell me Four Seasons Naked condoms. You’ve crossed a line Sydney Airport, the bathroom line. You see, the problem is, I’m unable to boycott the use of these repugnantly invasive machines. Sometimes, I have to use airports, and during my time in said airports I have to use the bathroom. There’s no ‘ad-free’ option. There is no opt out.

Also, Four Seasons, what the hell is wrong you with you? You have a product that prevents diseases AND is directly related to sex, surely that’s got to be a marketing agency’s wet dream? Whatever agency landed your account must have wept into their champagne and sacrificed a few goats in celebration when that deal got inked. How hard can it be to write some ads that move product without invading bathroom privacy? Look, I’ll write some ad copy for you right now:

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“The cost of raising a child in Australia is $300 000+. This costs $2. Enjoy your flight.”

“Hi. Buy one of these for $2 and it could stop you from dying of AIDS. I like your outfit, have a nice day.”

“If you don’t have one of these s/he won’t have sex with you. Thank you.”

Seriously Four Seasons, most ad agencies fall over themselves trying to tenuously connect sex to their products. Just look at this:

hearing aids

You can just imagine the conversation that preceded it can’t you?

“Morning Terry, what’s the new account?”

“Hearing aids! Dumb, stupid, bloody useless hearing aids! I mean, how are you supposed to sell a technological marvel that does nothing but restore one of your vital senses?”

“Sex?”

“Yeah, I reckon I’ll go with sex.”

It’s worth noting that condoms can also be purchased from pharmacies, at a better rate and with a superior selection. I wouldn’t dream of discouraging anyone from using such a vital and important product, so I’ll just politely remind people that you’d have to be a complete moron to buy a single condom for $2 from a robot with no sense of bathroom decorum when you can buy a whole pack for just a couple of dollars more from an actual person.

Whilst shopping for reasonably priced prophylactics sold by humans who haven’t harassed you in the bathroom, you might also want to pick up some chewing gum. It’s an inexpensive and delicious treat that if chewed during takeoff helps reduce that irritating popping in one’s ears. Also, I’m not sure if you’ve noticed, but once chewing gum is jammed into a small space – the coin slot of an outrageously invasive video vending machine for example – it serves as a surprisingly effective adhesive that would likely be very difficult and expensive to remove.

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Now, I know what you might be thinking, if it was so bloody awful and invasive why didn’t I just take a video of the damned thing to prove it? And the answer is BECAUSE RECORDING ANYTHING IN BATHROOMS IS A DISGUSTING THING TO DO (much like using sexualised robots to solicit you to buy products.)

We’ve had a long history together Sydney Airport, so I have every confidence that you’ll rectify this error soon. I look forward to shitting in peace next time I visit your otherwise fine facility.

Kind regards,

J. M. Donellan

______________________________________________________

PS I’m very curious to know if the vending machines in the female toilets have been displaying equally aggressive behaviours. Visitors to Sydney Airport drop me a line if you have a similar story to tell. 

100 Books A Year 2014 part II.

 

here come the dogs

Here Come the Dogs by Omar Musa

There’s a reason why this book is appearing in a myriad ‘best of’ lists this year – well more than one actually – in short; it’s really fucking good. It’s a bleak, unflinching and sometimes hallucinatory piece of work that flips between poetry and pose with disconcerting ease. Omar’s finely honed skills as a poet and lyricist are well manifested in his debut novel. I had the pleasure of featuring on a panel with Omar at the National Young Writers’ Festival earlier this year and he is a fiercely intelligent and yet incredibly good natured and friendly soul. His music is also highly engaging and arresting, well worth a listen.

 

blindness

Blindness by Jose Saramago

Okay, I’ll be honest. I’m only halfway through this one, but it’s nevertheless one of my favourites I’ve read this year. I saw the film some years ago and it was passably entertaining and featured a great cast, but the book is exponentially more interesting. Saramago uses the allegory of a strange infectious blindness to examine complex themes such as morality, governance, greed and politics. There are elements of scifi thriller here, but it’s a primarily a work that examines humans at their best and worst and basically exemplifies all the strengths of the novel as an artistic format. No wonder he managed to bag himself one of those peskily elusive Nobel prizes. I spent some time in Lisbon last year and in Portugal Saramago is revered as a national icon, it’s easy to see why.

 

five wounds

Five Wounds by Johnathan Walker & Dan Hallett

This was a profoundly fascinating piece of work, but not an easy read by any means. Visually it is inventive and captivating, simultaneously old and new. The story content is interesting but quite hard to follow and incredibly dark. I tend to enjoy fairly morbid territory in literature but this was a little to grim even for my tastes. However, if you enjoy particularly macabre writing then this might become one of your favourites.

Definitely worth the cover price just to see what the creators have done in terms of aesthetic and layout, but if you’re into conventional structures or are looking for an easy read you’re probably better off searching elsewhere.

 

tainted trialThe Tainted Trial of Farah Jama by Julie Szego  

I’m not usually a fan of true crime, but I was invited to interview Julie about the book at the Reader’s Feast Crime & Justice Festival earlier this year and it ended up becoming one of my favourites of 2014. The book follows the trial of Jama; a young Somalian refugee who has been falsely accused of rape via inexplicable DNA evidence. The way that Szego unpacks the multitudinous issues surrounding the case including race, religion, rape culture, assimilation vs integration and the limitations of the justice system is relentlessly beguiling. I also recommend Anna Krien’s Night Games, which covered some similar territory and was equally brilliant.

 

adulthood

Adulthood Rites (Xenogenesis book 2) by Octavia E. Butler

While not quite as fascinating as the first book in the trilogy, the second book of the Xenogenesis series is nevertheless essential reading. Butler remains one of the (unfortunately) few African-American authors to be really successful in the scifi genre, and her work is a fascinating study on human nature and behaviour. The story follows a group of humans who have been interbred with an alien species and their return to a ruined earth. The complications in the narrative come from the various groups attempting to eek out an existence and warring over various genetic modifications they have undergone during their time away from earth. Recently there has been a push for Butler to be used in place of H. P. Lovecraft as the World Fantasy Award Statuette. More on that here.

                                       Station Eleven by Emily St. John Mandel 

StationelevenUKHCThis book was recommended to me by Black Cat Books, one of my favourite book stores in the world which is sadly about to close its doors. If you live in Brisbane, you have a couple of weeks left to check them out before they are gone forever. Lately I’ve found myself increasingly frustrated with the commonly held attitude in the Australian literary scene that ‘scifi is not a high literary art form.’ Despite the fact that the Booker of Bookers was awarded to Rushdie’s novel about kids with superpowers, there remains a prevailing attitude that if a novel isn’t literary realism, it’s just pulp fiction. This work is one of many (see also the Bone Clocks) that happily and successfully blends genres. The story follows an acting troupe that roams across a post-apocalyptic world where 99% of the population has been wiped out by disease. It flips between characters and eras in a manner that is spellbinding and highly satisfying.

the-special

The Special by David Stavanger

Despite having appeared on countless stages in Brisbane and all over the country both as himself and alter ego Ghostboy, this is Stavanger’s first published volume. I’ve had the pleasure of seeing him perform a number of times and he is always wildly unpredictable and incredibly entertaining, and this collection lives up to Stavanger’s live performances. Dark, philosophical and funny, this is by far one of my favourite modern poetry collections. Stavanger has just been named as one of the cohosts of the Queensland Poetry Festival, so we’ll certainly be seeing plenty more of him in the very near future.

 

anthony A Difficult Place To Be Human by Anthony Anaxagorou

I met Anthony at the December edition of Brisbane’s infamous Ruckus Slam (where I managed to take home 2nd prize and win a woodford ticket yessssss). I was completely astonished by the way he weaved words together, a very honest and passionate performer. Poets are often admonished for putting on airs, and I personally am very fond of poets like Anaxagorou who are more concerned with speaking from the heart than trying to sound like the reincarnation of Wordsworth. I was particularly impressed by his piece The Master’s Revenge, which features in this collection. Check out the video here:

 

 

 

thirst

Thirst by Mahmoud Dowlatabadi

Lately I’m trying to read more Middle Eastern novels (feel free to send me recommendations!) and I found this slim little piece of genius in the Kinokuniya bookstore in Kuala Lumpur when I was on tour there earlier this year. Apparently Dowlatabadi was arrested by the Iranian regime, not for any specific infringement but because so many dissidents were found to be in possession of his work that the secret police just assumed he was up to no good. What an absolute superhero. This dream-like allegorical story within a story looks at war, humanity and propaganda. His writing is lyrical and captivating and I will certainly be seeking out more of his work.

 

Rat_Queens_Issue_1_cover Rat Queens by Kurtis J. Wiebe and Roc Upchurch

There’s a hell of a lot to love about this series. It’s subversive, action-packed, beautifully illustrated and so fucking funny it should be illegal. It also manages to subvert a lot of classic comic book tropes. Thanks to Scott Wings for the tipoff.

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saga chapter one

 

Saga by Brian K Vaughn and Fiona Staples.

IT’S JUST SO FUCKING GOOD. A beautiful, complex story about war and family and destiny filled with humour and fantastic, insane characters. The art is the best in the business right now. Just read it, for the love of all that’s holy.

 

That’s my favourites for the second half of 2014! The full list of books I read this year is here. What did you love (or hate) in 2014?

PS I released my latest novel Killing Adonis in October. Let me know if it made it onto any of your lists (favourite books, least favourite books, books I used to fend off Mormons, books I used to prop up creaky coffee tables etc.)

 

 

 

SUPANOVA 2014

Hello there internet, how are you? I’m fine, thanks for asking. Sorry it’s been a while since I’ve posted. I’ve been insanely busy promoting Killing Adonis and finishing off the script for the new graphic novel. I’m going to quickly share a couple of highlights from this year’s Supanova festival, because it was one of the best weekends of my life. As a diehard fan of anime, comic books, scifi and video games this whole festival was definitely my bag/jam/cup of tea (bag of jam tea?) Here’s some of my highlights. Apologies in advance for dropping names like I usually drop glasses (frequently, and with much embarrassment).

1 Robin Hobbs educating me on the finer points of bong engineering.

2 Meeting heaps of super enthusiastic fans. After years of tapping away at the keys alone in my room, it’s REALLY nice to meet people who are genuinely excited about this new book.

3 Talking gender in fiction with Robin, Kylie Chan, Steve Worland and Peter Hambleton. It’s a subject that I’m very passionate about and it was great to explore it in this forum. Also I had a few people ask about the ‘ungendered’ story I mentioned: there’s a link here. PS Hambleton loves whiskey. True story.

4 This bullet time photo with all the supanova authors:

5 Alan Tudyk throwing a massive box of maltesers onto the writers’ table.

6 A giant dalek offering the crowd tea and biscuits.

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7 Amazing costumes

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8 The pineapple.

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9 Usurping Matthew Reilly’s signing desk while he was at lunch (sorry Matt!)

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10 Getting my ‘yearbook’ signed by some amazing writers and the Supanova staff.

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There’s a few more pics on my facebook page. See you next year!

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L to R: Kylie Chan, Matthew Reilly, Juliet Marieller, Robin Hobb, Famous Pineapple, Some Total Loser, Steve Worland, Sean Williams, Scott Baker, Ian Irvine, Colin Taber.

I want to give you synaesthesia

Dearest Person Reading This,

I would like to give you synaesthesia. No, don’t worry, it’s not a sexually transmitted flesh-eating fungal infection. You have to go to some really dodgy Ecuadorian bars to get those (or so I’ve heard). Synaesthesia is a neurological blending of the senses. The lead character in my newest novel Killing Adonis is a synaesthete, and my publishers came up with the wickedly clever idea of making this internet tool.

 nabokov     monroe     Wassily-Kandinsky

Vladimir Nabokov, Marilyn Monroe and Wassily Kandinsky all had synaesthesia. 

Basically what it does is match each letter and number on your keyboard with a corresponding sound and colour, mirroring the way in which a synaesthete experiences the world. You can write whatever you want and share it as a synaesthetic sound/colour/text  experience. Feel free to jump straight in and have a play and write whatever you want. You might even just want to tap out a few tunes. You can write some witty/snarky things and share them around the internet (I believe that is the internet’s primary function after all).

colour blur

However, if you’re not very good at being witty and articulate don’t feel bad. Neither is Tony Abbott and he somehow managed to become PM so clearly it’s no biggie. Perhaps you have other talents like frisbee golf skillz or being very good at finding the best avocados in the pile. Whatever the case, I’ve made a bunch of presets for you that you can tailor as necessary. There’s a selection of threats, insults, pickup lines. Just the usual stuff that a normal person uses a couple of dozen times a day. Click on the links to see and share them synaesthetically. Have fun, make up and share some your own and whatever happens definitely do not send this message to ASIO under any circumstances.

LOVE

My dearest darling honeyknickers, I have always loved you, despite the fact that you smell exactly like old cheese wrapped in sweaty socks.

Dear Mum, thanks for squeezing me out of your vagina. I hope my annual gifting of a $20 gift card serves as adequate compensation.

Dear [person I am attracted to] I dislike not dating you and would substantially prefer to do the opposite. I do not have chlamydia (at least not according to WebMD).

THREATS & INSULTS

Dear [coworker], if you continue to eat my yoghurt out of the fridge I am going to start flavouring it with industrial strength laxative. And no, I don’t know what industrial strength laxative is but believe me I will find out.

Dear Neighbours, when you have sex it sounds like a pack of rabid wolves playing in a screamo band. PS Do you want to join my screamo band?

 If your personality were an album, it would be Chinese Democracy.

If your face were a film, it would be The Room.

The-Room

POLITICS

Dear Tony, the rumours are not true. There is not going to be a G20 afterparty in Obama’s room. Definitely don’t go there because there will be nothing going on, if there was we would definitely invite you because everyone thinks you are great despite what the polls, commentators etc. have to say. PS Putin says he will meet you on the oval at 4. Come alone. – DC

Dear Mr Pyne, I’m contacting you here because my work email has been hacked. Can you ask Malcolm how to delete emails from the cloud? Cheers. – B. Spurr

MISC

 Future novel idea.

PS I’m just shy of my 1000th twitter follower. If you become number 1000, send me one of these synaesthesia messages using #KillingAdonis and I’ll write you a lil somethin’ somethin’ special in reply.

Killing Adonis by J.M. Donellan reviewed by J.M. Donellan

KA review

First of all, I was highly disappointed that this novel was not written by Tim Winton. As every reviewer knows, the only good novels in Australia are those that are either written by Tim Winton or try very extremely hard to sound like his work with the addition of a mild idiosyncratic twist. Perhaps a giraffe with OCD and a drinking problem or a sexually confused parking inspector with a penchant for Scandinavian taxidermy.

This book has received a slew of favourable reviews. Books + Publishing said ‘This is a writer with a deft handle on his craft’, Book’d Out called it a ‘surprising page turner‘ and Glamadelaide went so far as to comment that Killing Adonis is ‘great, inventive storytelling from an exciting new Australian author.’ Frankly I don’t see what all the fuss is about. As a post-modern western space opera it leaves a lot to be desired, as an erotic kung fu saga it is (almost) completely lacking in either sex scenes or kung fu sequences and as a technical manual for the Atari 800 it is beyond useless. After reading all 450 pages of this book I am still have no idea how to reboot my mainframe in the event of a lightning strike or zombie apocalypse.

 Killing Adonis is incompatible with:  

Inflatable pool 01       xbox one       Matrix_007

Killing Adonis is completely lacking in digital features. I tried a vast range of swiping and voice commands and it was obstinately unresponsive. The novel is not compatible with OSX , Xbox, Linux or the Matrix and all attempts to connect to WiFi or Bluetooth met with disaster. Furthermore, it proved entirely inadequate as a floatation device in even the most rudimentary inflatable pool testing and when I tried to use it to assemble my newly purchased Ikea wardrobe it was nothing short of unusable.

walther P99

Under ballistics testing, the book did prove somewhat more capable. Its 450 pages and pleasingly tactile faux leather cover do serve to reduce the velocity of a Walther P99 at a distance of 300 feet. However, at closer proximity the bullet will penetrate all the way through, so use with caution.

Overall I’d give this book 5 stars (out of 100) and unreservedly recommend it as a bullet resistant accessory but strongly encourage anyone who is looking for a Tim Winton penned futureproof Bluetooth enabled erotic space opera to look elsewhere. Available from all good bookstores (and some of the bad ones).